Moye Im’ya Setyanovich Novantonov, Nama Saya Setya Novanto
Friday, December 15, 2017
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Pengadilan Tipikor dihebohkan oleh aksi diam yang dilakukan oleh terdakwa korupsi e-KTP, Setya Novanto (Setnov). Para pengamat hukum pidana dan pemerhati politik menjadi kehilangan jejak untuk mengomentari aksi bisu pak mantan ketua DPR. Semua komentator hanya bisa mengeluarkan teori konvensional tentang berbagai kemungkinan yang dihadapi oleh majelis hakim dan konsekuensi yang bakal dipikul oleh Pak Ketua.
Pengadilan tampak panik bercampur geram. Proses normal yang diinginkan majelis hakim dibuat tak normal oleh Setnov. Semua orang menyalahkan terdakwa. Ini wajar sekali. Cuma, tidak ada yang berpikir “out of the box”. Sementara Setnov sudah mulai mengeluarkan taktik Abu Nawas.
Tidak ada yang teringat untuk menelusuri riwayat Setnov. Majelis hakim Tipikor dibuat “menthok” oleh Papah. Aksi diam ini belum pernah dialami oleh dunia peradilan Indonesia. Inovasi baru dari seorang terdakwa yang terkenal sangat cerdik.
Padahal, yang dilakukan Setnov hanyalah muslihat yang sepele saja. Beliau diam di depan majelis hakim karena “brain setting”-nya sedang diletakkan pada posisi “Russian Mode”. Artinya, selama menghadapi persidangan ini Setnov tidak akan mengerti bahasa Indonesia. Dia hanya bisa berkomunikasi dalam bahasa Rusia.
Mengapa bisa begitu? Dari mana Setnov mendapatkan aplikasi Rusia?
Sewaktu Setnov berjumpa dengan Donald Trump di New York, September 2015, dia juga sempat berkenalan dengan Melania Trump, isteri pengusaha yang terkenal hantam kromo itu. Setelah berkenalan, Pak Setnov berbincang sebentar dengan Melania.
Pak Setnov menggunakan bahasa Indonesia, Melania menggunakan bahasa Inggris beraksen Ukraina. Ukraina adalah sebuah negara besar bekas anggota Uni Soviet dulu. Melania lama tinggal di Kiev, ibukota Ukriana.
Pak Setnov langsung menceritakan masalah e-KTP kepada Melania dengan harapan bisa dibantu. Pak Ketua mula-mula menggunakan bahasa Inggris sebisanya.
Sambil menunjuk ke dirinya, Setnov mengatakan, “Me, e-KTP problem. Madam bisa assistant?”
Melania sedikit merengut. Dia bisa menangkap ucapan “e-KTP”. Tetapi dia agak tersinggung dengan kata “assistant”. Maksud Pak Setnov, “bisa assistant” itu adalah “apakah bisa bantu?”. Membantu dia dalam masalah e-KTP. Sedangkan Melania mengartikan itu “apakah bisa menjadi asisten”.
Setengah dongkol, Melania Trump memberikan semacam chip komputer buatan Ukraina, namanya “Kiev Transfornitskaya Personalitschev” disingkat KTP juga. Yaitu, Transformasi Personalitas Kiev. Singkatnya, chip untuk mengubah identitas.
Melania yakin ketika Pak Setnov mengucapkan “Me, e-KTP problem”, pasti orang Indonesia ini mau minta chip pengubah identititas buatan Kiev itu.
Tibalah saatnya skandal e-KTP dibongkar oleh KPK dan Pak Setnov dijadikan tersangka. Begitu dijadikan terdakwa di pengadilan Tipikor beberapa hari lalu, Pak Setnov langsung memasang di dalam kepalanya chip KTP yang dihadiahkan Melania Trump.
Ketika hakim menanyakan “Nama Saudara siapa?”, sebetulnya Pak Ketua bukan membisu. Dia cuma bergumam menjawabnya dalam bahasa Ukraina, “Moye Im’ya Setyanovich Novantonov”. Nama saya, Setya Novanto.
Jadi, supaya Pak Setnov bisa menjalani sidang Tipikor dalam keadaan normal, maka chip KTP buatan Ukraina itu harus dibuang dulu. Tetapi, harus orang dari Ukraina yang mengeluarkannya.
Sedikit saja technical error, Pak Setnov tidak akan bisa lagi kembali ke “Indonesia Mode” untuk selamanya. Kalau ini terjadi, sidang Tipikor harus dipindahkan ke Kiev.(ts)
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